A Testing Time

After another rush to the emergency department again, it’s clear that what ‘my child has..’ is not going away anytime soon and it is going to be a part of our lives for the next few years. Anything as simple as a cold or virus could mean a hospital stay for my 3yo. During this most recent, thankfully, shorter stay –I thought I would reflect on some things I am learning going through this testing time.
In hospital, hours can seem like minutes or they can seem like days. The majority of the time I spent crying, this could probably be attributed to the lack of sleep and the feeling of helplessness and fear of not knowing and not being able to control what is happening.

I am also grieving the ‘normality’, the simplicity and order of things as they were, just 5 weeks ago, is now gone. Life during this testing time is going to be a daily battle, a constant concern and at times a real juggling act with my two older children.
It is the sense of responsibility that weighs heavily and it is in this testing time that I have to learn through and from experience. I have to somehow, according to my doctor, be able to predict how my son is going to be in the next 12 hours – like a weatherman I guess. However, with no instruments and no previous experience or training. Only my instincts which currently aren’t “in tune” as well as I would like them to be, a little overloaded by emotions and met with only bits of information that don’t quite all fit together yet. There is no program to follow, no security and at times it feels out of my control. Feels?, it is out of my control.

So far I am learning:

Lesson 1: I have to take one day at a time – not planning too far ahead because I don’t know if something will come up unexpectedly.

Lesson 2: Expect the unexpected, expect that not everything is going to go according to plan or how I would like it to be.

Lesson 3: It’s ok to feel uncertain and unsure, I am learning as I go and hopefully and thankfully I have supportive people around me.

Lesson 4: Take offers of help, very important and make contingency plans, this I can control.

Lesson 5: Continue to look for positives – yes I have worries but I have faith too and that is where strength, resolution and wisdom comes from.