In the negative there can be a positive

I started this post with the title things I love about my child which I later changed. 

There are many times I have to look past the immediate and presenting behaviour to see and appreciate my child's real attributes. 

He isn’t the hardest worker but he is the best encourager.

I was working in the garden moving stone to an area of the garden where we have a drainage problem and although he did not help shovel as much as his younger brother.  He did say “Mum, wow, look how much you’ve done already!” the encouraging words I needed to keep going on a job that took me four hours.

He can be extremely emotional at times but at least I know what he is thinking.

He is an emotional child and very unpredictable when it comes to how he is feeling or how he is going to react although it is getting easier to manage as he gets older.   He will change from one mood to another in a matter of minutes.  He can be sweet and loving and then moody, angry and aggressive in the same hour.  Over the years there has been a pattern developing that this negative behaviour seems to be worse when he is tired or hungry and knowing that leads me to more appropriate ways of dealing with him.  On the up side he always tells me what he is thinking or feeling.  And if he doesn’t tell me - I can see it in his behaviour. I let him know that I have noticed and he will often after that talk to me about the situation and his feelings. He is also remorseful and doesn't hang on to the negative emotion once he has talked through it.

What are the positives you see in your child?

Read more »

Children and chores

My 9 yr old and 10 year old were having a discussion at bathtime last night.

I did not know what it was about and then my 9 year old came into the kitchen and asked “Mum, is there another chore that we can do daily that can make us more money?”

I replied “you unpack the dishwasher already”

He said ‘yes, but it’s only 50c and I want a job that can make more money”. 

We offered him the chore of packing the dishwasher and wiping the benchtop.  Immediately, I could tell by the look on his face the cleaning of the kitchen was not going to be appealing.  Also, I considered whether (even with training) he would ever get the job done to the satisfaction of his dad, who does the chore at the moment. So we may offer him a job or two in the bathroom. 

How to choose chores and how to manage chores:

I don’t want to give my child a chore that I have to nag him about.  It is counterproductive, for us, if I have to ask 30 times for the chore to be done and then out of frustration or fatigue takeover and do the task for him.  The positive will be lost and there will probably be another fight to be had at the end of the week/month when he expects money for it and I have to say the job wasn’t done so no pay.

Some tips on giving chores:

The task needs to be age appropriate:  Children need to be able to complete the task in a relatively short time, 15 minutes at the most.  They need to be able to use the tools required for the task, asking a young child to use chemicals is probably not wise and if you’re going to worry about them breaking something precious don’t get them to unpack your dishwasher or dust your ornaments or vases. 

Can they do the task without you watching them:  Once they have been taught how to do the task you want them to do or they have got into the habit of doing the task, can it be done on their own and at a time that suits them?  Is there a time you need it done by?  

Can it be done as part of an already set up routine?  Ie. Tidy the bathroom after bathtime.

Is the chore enjoyable or more importantly rewarding:  Can children see what impact their chore will have? eg.  If the playroom is clean, it is a safe space.  If they help you with a task explain that it will give you some extra time to be able to spend with them. 

Set by example:  Do the children see you doing tasks? It can be tempting to do everything while they are at preschool but once in a while save a job that you can do together.

Do you feel like you are constantly nagging for a task to be done?  Perhaps the chore is too difficult for the child, perhaps the task is not appropriate for the child’s development.  Perhaps they don’t understand the importance of the job and perhaps it is not enjoyable.  

There is nothing worse than expecting a job to be done and nagging the kids to do it – take a step back and offer to help them to see if they will reengage with the task or offer them another chore in it’s place. 

Read more »

Are we intolerant of our children, of childhood?

It is with slight hesitation I post this post, and it is just a thought. I would like to hear other parents comments on, I don’t think there is an answer to fit everyone and what you do or don’t do is your personal free choice and you are entitled to it – so please don’t judge this blog post but let me know what your experiences are because here is my experience.

There are very good reasons that parents put their children onto medications and there are some parents who choose not to? So here are my reasons for not doing it, because I consider my child ‘normal’ with some outstanding traits that as an adult I wouldn’t think twice about – well actually quite the opposite, I think alot about!

Adults with similar characteristic behaviours, (seen in some children) are looked at in awe! Observed with wonder of their superhuman abilities to bounce back, be resilient, to do what they choose, be adventurous with little thought about what will happen next, but we don’t force them to take drugs to calm them down and make them more law abiding or less adventurous?

See we look at some adults, perhaps even friends of ours and think - How cool, wow they have so much energy, how do they get so much done. Wish I had their brain for two minutes, they always have ideas, they’re always busy. They’re disorganized, they’re always running late but hey they’re fun! They’re so positive, they’re really encouraging and supportive. They’re always up for a night out or a trip away. They’re so popular, she’s fun to be with, she’s loud, she’s funny, she’s entertaining, she’s a bit out there but who cares she’s doing the best she can!

But these traits in our children we don’t want to accept? We want them to be like everybody else (because everybody else is so good, they fit in at school, they’re getting good grades, they listen when spoken to or obeys without arguing, they’re accepted and liked by their peers).

Are children being discriminated against? Is the fear of being judged as a parent influencing how we treat our children?

Read more »